A New Leaf

 I did forget about a telepathic experience I had before leaving California. I had went with a lady to visit some friends of her but nobody was home. Or if they were, they were hiding. My lady friend was not an ordinary person and people were put off by her. At any rate, and it doesn't matter, but while visiting this seeming empty house, I felt a great energy which seemed to be outside of me and where that house was. I had felt the energy of people before but this was different. This was something else, something far deeper and profound. It was fantastic and wonderful but foreign and we left and it was over. But I can still revisit that moment it was unforgettable. What exactly it was? Some things are just mysterious. There are wonderful energies that just exist that don't have verbal explanations, such as "this is a such and such" or "it is I, the great energy being". There was no personality as far as I could tell. But it happened. And it was a clue as to what is going on. For one thing, that kind of thing is going on and it was a blessing.

So I pack all my crap into an old junky Cadillac and just start driving north. I had been in Eugene, Oregon before and I thought that might be a nice place to maybe move or at least visit until I could figure out what I should be doing next. Which was a whole lot of nothing really. I got a small amount of money from my damaged disc and I was living on that. I found a converted garage to rent, bought a small motorcycle and spent my days just driving around. Which is great for a while. But I was alone, something I hated. I wasn't at peace with myself so being with others was a distraction. But I didn't know anybody in Eugene and I was in such bad mental shape that I couldn't even imagine trying to make new friends. So thing just got darker and darker for me until I called my younger brother again who was now in Colorado.

One side of him is being friendly and generous and he said sure, come and visit us. He had a girlfriend at this point with 3 kids. Money was running out so I took a big chunk of it and started to go to a technical school to learn to be a draftsman. I had kind of artistic talents so that might be a fit. If not it would be a job anyways. But life in general was bad. I go into some kind of altered state where I'm paranoid all the time when I get depressed but am trying to keep going anyways. Energy might say my chi was shut down.  And living with "normal" people wasn't helping. I'm not normal nor have I been since I was 15. But I blamed myself for that. I was jealous of normal people and tried very hard to be like them until a point that I realized that it's ok to be weird in the way I was and I didn't want to be normal anymore. 

I had to get away from them, that I knew for sure. And I did, I found a small place, just around the same time that they decided to break up. I found a tiny house that was perfect for me, got a job pumping gas and kept going to school. While at that school the catalyst for this "new leaf" just showed up one day. A young girl of about 18 came into the class I was in and I was immediately smitten. But me in my crazy state it wasn't going to happen. One of the other guys in class scooped her up and it was just another nail in my coffin. Oh well. 

I did have a couple of dates with her, however, before she moved on to other guys. She was kind of trollish in her way, a bit of a devil-child. Not quite right in her mind. She had slashes on her 18 year old wrists and when I first saw them, it brought tears to my eyes. I lived in a world of feeling and not very good logic or emotional control.  Any self-respecting guy would have told her to fuck off but for me, I was crushed. Well, I was already crushed before I met her. Now I'm further crushed.

But she was fey in the same way that I was, there was something mystical about her. Just before she headed off to Florida with her latest guy, she handed me a book which turned out to be my guru.

I'm not saying you have to have a guru. Ramana Maharshi didn't and he advanced just fine. But we don't know if he had one in a previous life. My guess is yeah, he did. So for the nutshell (no pun) version this concludes a new leaf.